History of my healing process

The beginning of my healing process is uncertain. I could say I've always been interested in psychology and self-help ever since I was a teenager.

Or I could say that it began in 2012 when CoBra's first post about The Event gave me hope. And in turn, this motivated me to begin by developing my intuition.

But in hindsight I can see how I was mostly just tumbling in the darkness, trying to look for answers to my question.

Now that my experience has grown and my awareness has expanded, I can point out the major revelations, events and healing techniques that truly helped.

It's important to mention here that this process would not have unfolded if it wasn't for the many types of motivations that ebbed and flowed along the way:

• I was motivated to find the truth due to a subconscious need caused by the constant gas-lighting I had from my parents.
• I was motivated to be a good relationship partner because I was desperate for love, affectionate attention and to have a dependable connection with another human being.
• I was motivated to find my calling because I have an inexplicable fear of being employed. And though I tried to work as an employee, it felt like slavery and I couldn't sustain it.
• I am motivated to help others in their path towards emotional health because I'm not exempt from the rest of humankind. Everything that happens anywhere on the planet affects me to some extent. And I truly wish to live in a peaceful and happy world.

(If you are struggling with motivation, don't worry! There will soon be a blog post for that.)

My very first act of true motivation was to save my relationship - from myself (august 2018). I've realized from past experiences with previous relationship partners that co-dependency can ruin everything. So, for the first time, I kept away from my new bf, to protect him and the new relationship. This was a truly agonizing night and morning for me. It could have been avoided if I was aware of the healing techniques I wrote about in this blog.

However painful it was, the event above marked the begging of my dedication to the healing process.

The emotional exchange between the two of us was still crude and harsh at times. Nothing has improved. Even though I had CoBra's words "Women need to become more receptive." ringing in my ears, I didn't know what to do. Was I supposed to become a doormat? To allow this emotion-less monster to dominate me? Was I supposed to accept hateful arguments as a woman? It didn't make any sense. Though I tried to be less aggressive in arguments, I can admit that 'pure receptivity/ unconditional love' wasn't within reach for me, in that state.

 I had many blockages against it until one day (late 2018), during a fight, I had a struck of divine inspiration. "Turn the other cheek". In that moment, I chose to ignore my need to dominate and harm my partner and I experimented with the idea of what would happen if I just "take it". So I simply sat still and quiet, allowing him to harm me (with harsh words, there was no physical abuse, just argument) as he wished. I did this with clear intentions to be calm, peaceful and loving. 

The effect was shocking! My boyfriend burst into tears almost instantly and started apologizing for harming me. It showed me that, as opposed to popular belief, men do have emotions, they do care about you and they do try hard to make a relationship work and make you happy. But as any other human being out there, when met with resistance, opposition and aggression, they will react proportionately by defending themselves. It's something we're all aware of and yet we still fight fire with fire. 

Despite that huge breakthrough, I kept having fights and I only used the "turn the other cheek" technique on two more occasions. As powerful as it is, it didn't have lasting effects. Its purpose was only to reveal the deeper, more vulnerable and loving nature of my partner.

A short time after that, I came across this YouTube channel. And for a whole month (~Feb 2019) I spent my time devouring the knowledge and healing trauma after trauma. Even though they were small/micro-traumas, I would find myself at the end of the day feeling exhausted from all the shadow work done on my emotions. 

This learning process was just that. Meant for learning. My relationship dynamic didn't change much and progress was slow and faint. However, it allowed me to understand the inner workings of the psyche, how to identify trauma, know what caused it and what process would be best suited to heal it. This was important because it helped me realize that the majority of people I interact with and may act aggressively due to painful past experiences and they're only ever trying to do what's best for themselves. It may also help you see your enemies in a more compassionate light.

This learning period is still ongoing though at a much slower pace. With more of my own trial and error rather than the teachings of a spiritual leader. Thanks to it, I am now able to identify projection and either avoid it or turn it into a healing experience for the person that is projecting. 

Knowing when you are gas-lit or experiencing projection can be a useful tool. It allows you to identify what problems are your own and what problems others are placing onto you. The most common occurrence is that both you and the person projecting are having a similar trauma and you're both projecting onto each other. Though this, in itself, is not absolutely necessary. It's just a type of awareness that you gain passively through your own emotional healing process.

After the aforementioned month, I participated in this conference. The insight I gained there was far above my understanding. I had to go through a lot more shadow-work before I could apply it. Even though I didn't understand it, I used it as a guideline for how a healed person should look and behave like. 

Unfortunately for me, I tried to force myself to be 'that person'. It's harsh and painful to attempt it, or at the very least that's how it went for me. I felt like I was trampling over my actual needs and wants to become something unreachable and uncertain. I needed something to bridge the difference.

The bridge to my emotional health and salvation was the Emotional Vipassana meditation. This has been THE most successful & results yielding healing technique of my entire life. Have I known this at the beginning of my journey, I could have avoided all of the bumps along the way and I would have been a healthy and functional human being within 1 year of using it. 

I came across it after purchasing and reading this book, which I highly recommend. 

But to make it accessible for everybody, I wrote a sizable blog post for it. 

Using this technique opened the door for me into: understanding and managing my emotions, doing parts work, hearing and following my guides, channelling, connecting and communicating with my higher self, high levels of consciousness, understanding the knowledge shared at the conference and applying it, etc.

This process would have lasted less than a year if I wasn't indulging in gaming and procrastination addictions. So the next major step I took was the Technology detox. Thanks to it I managed to find my calling and start working in approximately two months.

Many epiphanies and uncomfortable revelations happened for me along the way. This journey was not without its ups and downs. But thanks to my sustained efforts, I rose from the shadows to touch the light.

I started from a point where I was suffering from depression, co-dependency, self-deprecation, numbness to a wide range of emotions, self-isolation tendencies, gaming and procrastination addictions, lack of direction in life and malicious hate for men.

Now, when I compare who I used to be with what I've become, I realize that I was a wonderful and love-worthy person at my core, but I could never have seen it due to the mounds of trauma, weighing me down like trapping nets.

I have managed to release coping mechanisms and denial,  cut off my dependence on digital media, eliminate harshness and judgment; whilst becoming able to connect to my soul, intuition, guides, be honest and sincere with myself, learn to cooperate and achieve character nobility. 

The actual change itself was never obvious at the moment. This is why spiritual masters say that it takes time for changes in the higher dimensions to take effect on our material plane. 

I have many more healing techniques and epiphanies to impart here. You will find the most useful information in their own dedicated blog posts. 

May my experience aid you on your path. Best of luck!

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Edit 1: I realized that I misunderstood CoBra's words. He didn't say "Women need to become more receptive.", that was a false memory I had. What he did say is "If you are female and have reached pure receptivity, you will attract pure masculine energy in your life and vice-versa.". 
In my situation, it was a bad idea to attempt to reach pure receptivity because I was already too lenient. In my case I needed to first develop healthy boundaries, learn to say no!
Learning to say no was the first and most impactful step I took towards feeling less powerless and towards free will.
What Cobra did recommend for women to do as a healthy practice was: "Females need to express their sexual energy by themselves, without anybody around." which is something that is in alignment with the concept of free will mentioned above, albeit a lot scarier to start with. I haven't gotten around to doing it myself either. It's because it frightens me to be awkward or cringy.